I am officially old. This weekend, our high school class is having our 20-year reunion. I've been stressing about it for months. In the wrong kind of sense. I've been trying to exercise, and eat better to lose the 50 pounds I've gained since 1991. Last week when I realized I'm healthier, but not much thinner, I started to panic.
"What will people think? So many old class mates were much thinner than I was at the last reunion." And so on...
Then it hit me-- the same body image questions plaguing my private self-talk today are the same ones from yesteryear.
I've forgotten my true identity- and my worth.
Isn't it a privilege to be here in mortality with a functioning, healthy body? It's part of God's Plan for me. And when I start obsessing about my weight or my appearance and 'trusting in the arm of flesh', it's time to re-evaluate some things.
Why? I don't feel this way around my friends and neighbors. Why am I feeling this 'myth of perfectionism' issue concerning seeing my high school classmates? By most standards, I suppose I was popular-- studentbody officer, concert master for one of the state's top orchestras, member of the chamber choir, graduated with honors, and I was asked to every dance my senior year. Am I trying somehow to make sure I 'live up to' the standard I set for myself in high school? Why, why, why do I care what these people think?
I don't know, but I am publicly stating (via my blog), that I am letting that mentality go. This is who I am. While my body is less than desirable in the world's point of view, it is mine. And more importantly, my spirit is larger, much LARGER than it was at age 17. (Ironic, don'tcha think?) And that, my friends, is good.
So, I'm hanging onto the original model. Some of the parts have begun to show some wear and tear; the warranty is long gone, and the novelty wore off a long time ago. But I find a lot of value in keeping the ol' thing around. Because God gave it to me. And fortunately, His opinion is the only one that counts.
But that doesn't mean I'm not going to the reunion festivities without a good garter and push-up bra.
